»Time never really cares just what we do...«
I've always judged a day by how many things I got done and how successful I was at it. I have a guilty conscience if I feel like I did absolutely nothing whole day. It feels like a wasted chance. Even though I've wasted probably a lot more chances than I realize now, but at least if I make something out of the day, I can live with myself easier. There is also a scale of importance. My most valued days are those where I learned something new and it fascinated me, when I created something which made me feel like I really got my thoughts out and I actually liked what I made (be it very few though), and days where I felt like I helped somebody, in a small, yet important way. And in the morning when I wake up, that's it, there's no more going back to sleep, it's a new day and I have to start it, I may be more or less happy about it but still, it's a go. But then sometimes life stops you.
»Human compassion is a natural instinct, but it's limited.«
And there is never enough time. I know we all feel the same. I may be expecting too much from myself and it seems there isn't enough time. Because I don't know how much time I have left. No one does. But something keeps pushing me forward in my mind. We're running out of time. And there are certain things I want from what's left. I demand them, though most of the time, I have no clue how to make them happen.
I've always been attracted to topics of psychology, death, birth and curious of how our brains and minds works. My views on it greatly changed through time. But it's not time that I needed, but experience and information. And who gets to say what is normal and what is not? If you're pushed to the extremes, you might go insane. But when faced with a psychiatric patient, I feel frozen, I have no idea how to start, to lead... I like to listen to their stories though.
»A person may appear a fool and yet not be one. He may only be guarding his wisdom carefully.«
And we're all getting a bit insane. Drowning in our problems. Past four months have been very challenging for me, but I'm grateful for them, I've changed. I'll be facing unemployment in a few months, like most of young people through-out Europe. I long for independence, yet I have no idea when I'll be able to reach it. I wish to have a child to teach and take care of, but I won't have him at the cost of everything. In spite of high rates of unemployment, there seem to be more pregnant women than ever, half of them without a job. I could never afford that. I don't want my life and the life of my child to be dependent on life of others. I can’t solve these problems at the moment, and what the future holds, I have no idea, no plan, not even a pl. I've been thinking of creating my own business, but the idea holds so many IF’s. And those friends that still stick by my side are in the same situation. I believed if one’s educated, hard working and helpful, one may have a regular job, but then I saw that you don’t need to be good at what you do to have a job.
Times of depression can be productive. All the things I’ve been through in the past months have made me a better midwife, I have a different relationship with patients, and a different attitude towards job, life, friends... So hopefully, what we’ve stumbled onto, will turn into something better than before. It seems as if we hold no control over what the future will be, but we can control what we do daily and how we interact with each other.
And to quote what I wanted to say in words of some who are wiser than me:
“In life you can never be too kind or too fair; everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load. When you go through your day expressing kindness and courtesy to all you meet, you leave behind a feeling of warmth and good cheer, and you help alleviate the burdens everyone is struggling with.“ - Brian Tracy
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.“ - Ralph Waldo Emerson