Blog: This wasn't what I expected

You remember your pregnancy and especially your childbirth for the rest of your life. You think you're prepared, you read, you practice, you exercise, you breathe, you drink raspberry leaf tea, you watch natural births... And you get a birth plan in your mind of how it's gonna be.

I'm a midwife by profession, but don't work in the delivery room. I've always wondered how birth will be. I loved reading Ina May Gaskins' books, I've heard all about how it should be, what you can do to manage the pain, to move around so the baby gets into the best optimal position. I've been fascinated by the ability of our bodies to make, build, nurture a new life in just nine months. I know stories on the inside. And never did it crossed my mind that maybe not everything will go as imagined.

My first pregnancy was pretty much straight forward. I had nausea for eleven weeks and I ended gaining too much weight. The doctor said that the baby's abdomen is bigger that the head, but nothing to be worried about, the estimated weight at that time was around 3.5kg. On my due date I lost mucus plug. I danced happily because I remember we were taught that's the first sign the labour is near. That was on Saturday. By Tuesday still nothing. The baby was lively and she burst the amniotic sac, but I didn't feel any real water breaking. Thursday, still nothing. They only checked by ultrasound if there is enough amniotic fluid. There was enough. Saturday. Still no baby. I asked if they could please check me. I was 3cm dilated, and the amniotic fluid was leaking out a bit. No contractions. They checked me into the delivery room, did the amniotomy, but still no contractions. We did hypnosis and jump started the contractions. But I wasn't opening up. They put me on Synto cocktail, but I wasn't progressing and the amniotic fluid turned green. The baby pooped meconium, which means she was under stress.

Only then did it hit me: "They are going to do a cesarean section." They rolled me into the operating room, I was crying and shaking, couldn't calm myself. This wasn't what I was expecting. Never did it even cross my mind. I just closed my eyes and breathed. I felt tugging in my abdomen, felt like I was laying in the sea, motionless. And then I felt as the weight had been lifted from my abdomen, and next thing I know, I saw her, crying, with a head full of black hair. She was at my cheek for a few moments and she started sucking on it. They weighted her and were in for a big surprise, 4300 g big.

She was with me for a few hours then they took her away for the night (and the morning, I saw her after lunch the next day). I was shaking uncontrollably, due to all the hormones and drugs, my skin was itching. I was left to "sleep", but I barely closed my eyes. I heard my baby crying one floor higher and I was laying there in bed, unable to do anything. That hurt the most. I was laying in bed the whole night. And in the morning they got me out of bed. I was laying in the same position for 15 hours. The getting up hurt like hell, I thought the wound would burst open. So they gave me more drugs and waited a bit. Next try was much easier.

I always thought I knew everything about breastfeeding and that it will flow nicely. But there were problems there as well, and I was combining breast milk and formula, until she finally accepted food. It's harder to start breastfeeding after a C-section, especially if the baby is big, because it demands more milk.

I was processing this experience for months. Couldn't find any real solace. Yes, I had a healthy baby, but I felt robbed, I felt like a failure, like I failed as a mother, like I didn't try enough, like I should've done something differently, like I didn't give birth the baby was cut out of me, I was crying a lot... I couldn't get over this "C-section guilt". It also hurt to see that some people can't say that I gave birth, I had a CS, and that's it. Like there are two ways to get the baby out, and mine wasn't birthed. Women have been birthing since the dawn of time (so to speak), but I failed at one thing our bodies were set out to do. Without a C section, my baby and I, might not have survived.

At that time I was determined that the next baby will be born via VBAC, no doubt about it. During my second pregnancy I had a scare at 24 weeks, I started to bleed, and it turned out I had a low lying placenta (and also long) and had to watch myself and rest more. The baby was growing nicely. I lived in fear for some time afterwards, but I trusted that everything will turn out ok, and even if I gave birth prematurely, he'd make it, since his growth was really good.

Meanwhile I was preparing for labour the best way I knew how. I was doing yoga, I was doing exercises so the baby would be in the best possible position, I listened to hypnosis and it really helped me to stay calm and I imagined how the baby will be birthed out. At 35 weeks he started measuring big. Estimated even bigger than my first. But I couldn't believe it. How could he gain almost a kilo in two weeks?! My glucose level was always alright. I started to really watch my diet and I even lost a kilo. I didn't gain any weight in the last month. At 37 weeks I felt like my body was getting ready to give birth. At around 38 weeks I started to lose mucus plug and had irregular contractions, especially at night, so every evening I was expecting to go into labour. No midwifery trick helped though. His kicks were getting stronger by the week, sometimes it felt like he wanted to come out through my abdomen somehow. I started to doubt myself, maybe he really is big.

At 39 weeks I was up for an induction. I felt really calm and trusted the team completely. I opened up to 5 cm, but the head wasn't descending into the birth canal. My wish for a VBAC turned into a second C-section. I was much calmer though, I knew I did everything I possibly could. Some things are just out of my control. The operation was much faster than the first and I didn't feel any tugging, only a big relief when he was birthed out of my abdomen. And I saw him, just as I dreamt him a few weeks ago, perfect. I got to kiss him and he was at my cheek for a few moments. They weighted him... 4900 g... I couldn't believe it. He was born two weeks before my first was and was heavier by 600 g. Talk about a hospitable uterus.

This time around he was with me from the moment I was rolled out of the operation, they only took him the first night. He seemed small to me. Smaller than my first, he didn't look fat, just very well build... And he IS really strong. Despite knowing I've done all I could, I kept asking myself, how do some women give birth to even larger babies, and I can't?

These are my two birthing experiences, similar, yet very different. I know most women might go through C-section just fine, but for some of us, we feel like a failure and go through C-section guilt. But we all do our best we know how, for our children. No matter how our babies are handed to us, they are ours and they make us mothers. We did not take the "easy way out", as some believe.

Maybe we should take birth as it is, and always has been, an unpredictable story. Maybe we painted the picutre of natural births too brightly. Even if they are natural, who is to say, that nature isn't sometimes cruel. We need midwives, and we need obstetricians to work with one another.

Birth is the beginning of a new story. A precious little being was entrusted to us, to nurture, and they grow up too fast, right before our eyes. No matter HOW they entered this world. Feel the emotions, process, talk, and cuddle that baby.