“Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If
a soldier is imprisoned by the enemy, don’t we consider it his duty to escape?.
. .If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we’re partisans of liberty,
then it’s our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we
can!” ― J.R.R. Tolkien
For
about a month now I've had this strange feeling when I wake up, even if I just
take a nap, I wake up feeling that someone close is gonna die, or maybe even
me. Everything will pass, so I should remember this day and make something out
of it. And I'll lose a lot. And in the glow that afternoon sun rays have, I
find eternity. That is also the feeling behind the last poem I uploaded, To be human.
I hope there's nothing more to this feeling;
it's just very painful and draining to wake up and feel like that. It fills you
with a weird combination of gratitude, love and fear. And the reason behind
this is probably all the insecurity. For once in my life my future is very,
very uncertain. Before I knew how the next year is gonna go. Now I have no idea
where I'm gonna be a year from today or tomorrow. And my head fills up with
»what if« scenarios. Everyone says »you'll find something«... But what if I
don't? I'm grateful that I was given a chance to work as a midwife for a year.
And at the same time I'm full of anger and sadness, that I'm forced to give up
this career, because there are no jobs out there. Especially when I see how
incompetent one can be, but is untouched if he has a permanent contract. Our
healthcare system is in crisis (like everywhere else probably), and I thought
that we already reached the lowest point, but it seems things will get worse
before they'll get better. And if ever...
It's absurd that Slovenian way out of crisis is
to conserve at every corner. Like that's gonna help anyone. More and more
people without jobs, with no money, gonna spend less, apply for social help,...
instead we should make more jobs, increase the local economy. It makes no sense
to export milk to Italy and import it from Hungary. Or export our wood and
import it from elsewhere. Or to have so much crude land, when it could be used
to produce vegetables and fruits instead we buy carrots from Italy, garlic from
China... and so on. There is an Association of unemployed people in the making,
whose idea is to take these lands and work them to produce »eco« vegetables and
fruits, and also help farmers in the forests. In exchange they would get a
little money and goods. But the tax Administration already announced they’ll
have to pay 25% taxes from what they will produce, so they won’t be able to
sell these goods at social prices, as they wanted. It’s about time to start
again and make things better.
David Bryan – It’s a long road
It’s easy to get in somewhat depressive mood
thinking about the future. I don’t trust Slovenia anymore. I don’t trust this
system. I appreciate those people who have strength and share it with others in
times like these. I appreciate any help I receive, though it might be just a
talk. I appreciate that people show their real faces, it’s easier to know where
you stand. My dreams had changed, my goals will have to be reset. I do have a
plan, but I’ve learned that it might not get me where I think it might. And in
life, always have a back-up plan. I was thinking of becoming a masseuse, maybe
focus on pregnant women, maybe start my own business, make homemade soaps,
lotions, herbs...(I'd probably make more money if I went in astrology business or wrote erotic novels, maybe vampires). But as I’ve said the future holds a veil, and as long I have
my “best persons” at my side, I’ll be okay. I am quick to regret my past
decisions and blame the circumstances that held me away from becoming what I
felt was the best path for me, and although I was just six years old, I knew I
wanted to be a doctor, a paediatrician.
The best anti-depressive drug for me is Bon
Jovi, I’ve been listening to the new album a lot. Song “Beautiful world”
describes my feelings especially well:
"There's glory in the saddest story
Look at it, just sticks and bricks
Makes you wonder how the pieces fit
Where we're going, where we've been
This ain't paradise we're living in
It's a diamond, it's a dirty plastic pearl
Ah, but ain't it a beautiful world"
Look at it, just sticks and bricks
Makes you wonder how the pieces fit
Where we're going, where we've been
This ain't paradise we're living in
It's a diamond, it's a dirty plastic pearl
Ah, but ain't it a beautiful world"
Richie Sambora – Every road leads home to you (click for the song)
"I got your picture on my phone
Your voice in my head
I´m lying here alone
Restless in some faraway bed
The stars will falling down
And I´m half a world away
I´m just trying to close the distance
To feel each breath you take"
Your voice in my head
I´m lying here alone
Restless in some faraway bed
The stars will falling down
And I´m half a world away
I´m just trying to close the distance
To feel each breath you take"
I was going through my gallery on dA. It made
me wonder where it all went. I remember I had tons of ideas few years ago. And
I couldn’t believe the things I’d come up with back then. Now my ideas are more
sophisticated ;) Is it always so that when we look back, we laugh at how naive
we now seem to have been?
*
