Sunday, 26 May 2013

Poem: Bring back colour

raindrops tapping on the window
are like my thoughts falling down to be heard
resonating deeper into the ears of a lover of thoughts –-
who holds a knife in a land of »what if«'s and »if only could«'s
in the end I always stand naked, with no place left to run to

there is a certain joy in throwing things away
changing our identities, fixing our routines
I dug a hole in my heart and waited what would fall into it
-- countless memories lingered there, locked up for years
-- funny how some things find balance on the edge 

too often I stood paralyzed -- swallowing my words
taking comfort in the thought if I hold my eyelids closed really tightly
I can erase a particular moment, pretending it never took place
on this side of my reality, but it seems unjust to the moment I'm living
to be influenced by another from the past
                               -- but my mind loves to cheat 

time brings a tide which washes away colour and leaves us
with faded memories; we so easily dismiss our past as how naive
we seem to have been; we are not who we say we are
never let go of the painter, who brings back colour
                                -- to what you almost forgot


Saturday, 25 May 2013

Poem: We steal each other

snowflakes covered the freckles of her skin
as she was reminiscing about the taste
the air had, when they held each other
»Sweep me like the wind,« she said,
»to the place where conversation flows with no restrictions
and the sky turns into the sea.«
they swam until their veins were full of crystal water
and their vessels of soil embracing their hearts
                             with no resisting light -----
if you had to choose, which sense would you keep?
for we steal each other in many ways we can
finding beauty in little imperfections that identify us
mirrors are a proof of our lust
we all pay a price for love
and some »I love you«'s hold a BUT
and some, though be heartfelt, hold no future
but still no miles can ever separate us
even on a sunny afternoon she would hold out her tongue
   to catch the snowflakes
for it's the heart that won't give in
   to this avalanche


Blog: Part of me

I enjoy driving at night. It wakes me up, and the road is somewhat calm so it's easier to follow the stream of thought. I usually feel as if I could handle anything the night would bring, which is the opposite feeling the morning usually gives. And I remember night shifts at the birthing hospital, they were one of the fondest birthing memories. There wasn't so many people, everything was a bit calmer, until urgency called, but still I think I learnt a lot in those nights. It wasn't all that hard once I got used to it, but the walk to the bed in the morning, was the hardest and the longest walk.

Some nights are for driving and last night was one of those. The moon was shining bright behind some shredded clouds, mist was lifting off the land... Nightwish and Bruce Springsteen were playing on the radio, and the tunes swayed me from one memory to the other. And at times I felt so out of myself, as if that »teenager« doesn't exist anymore, I try not to disregard her for being unimportant and somewhat silly. 

»What's God if not the spark that started my life
Smile of a stranger
Sweet music, starry skies
Wonder, mystery wherever my road goes«
- Last ride of the day (Nightwish)

I had an urge to change the road I'm on. To just drive, leave everything behind, start a new adventure. And why do we “approve chains over us”... to quote myself.

»Now all them things that seemed so important
Well mister they vanished right into the air
Now I just act like I don't remember, Mary acts like she don't care
But I remember us riding in my brothers’ car
Her body tan and wet down at the reservoir
At night on them banks I'd lie awake
And pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take
Now those memories come back to haunt me, they haunt me like a curse
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true
Or is it something worse«
- The River (Bruce Springsteen)

Bruce Springsteen in particular was a very big influence on my writing, alongside Ryan Adams and Nightwish. I sometimes joke, if you put these three together you get my poetry. As for poets, I still have to introduce you to someone with whom I share similar writing style. Happened by total coincidence. 

It's been half a year since I had my knee repaired, and I still feel pain sometimes, and the kneecap can feel very unstable. My orthopaedist recommended me to strengthen my core muscles, and I was taken aback, didn't quite understand how could weak core muscles cause knee pain? But here's what I've learned: »The kneecap starts to get pulled around and bullied by the poor core strength and usually associated muscle tightness. We know from research that knee injuries can occur when large hip muscles are weak. ACL tears, which are eight times more likely in women athletes, have been shown to lead to other cartilage tears and to correlate with knee arthritis later in life. When the main butt muscle is weak, it causes the pelvis to drop and the upper thigh bone (femur) to fall inward. This imbalance creates painful downward stress on the hip, knee and ankle every time you take a step. Abdominal weakness will cause your pelvis to tilt forward, creating excessive low-back curvature and shifting the leg bones inward. You can experiment with this yourself: Over-arch your back and notice how your legs and knees want to roll in toward the midline of the body. Then flatten your back and notice how the opposite movement occurs at the legs. Strengthening the core helps to keep your back in a neutral spine position and places the lower extremities — specifically the knees — in the best possible position for movement without joint compression.« (source)

Last weeks have been painful, gastritis-wise, I don't know if there's a part of my abdomen that hasn't yet hurt because of my stomach. I am on a verge of becoming an annoying patient. I'm following all the rules as I should, and still it isn't getting any better. Or rather just when I think it got better, it gets worse. I do miss some foods, and at times I think maybe it won't hurt to try something, but it always does. As for my strange cravings, I'm craving meat like crazy. I guess it's the logical step, since I avoided almost all protein foods, because they didn't make me feel good. Now I'm catching up... one prosciutto with pasta at a time ;)

And then it hit me... I don’t know why it never hit me that way before. This body of mine is capable of caring for a new life, it can develop a whole new person. And what waste it is that it should be this weak because I may get anxious and may have had bad eating habits. That’s not a good enough reason. It can carry a whole new life in a small womb, which gradually grows, ‘til it becomes a shade of what it once was. And it can also feed a new life, it can produce everything specifically for that new person. And the new person I may someday, if ever, bring to life deserves the best start. 

Saturday, 18 May 2013

Blog: Beautiful world

“Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If a soldier is imprisoned by the enemy, don’t we consider it his duty to escape?. . .If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we’re partisans of liberty, then it’s our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we can!” ― J.R.R. Tolkien

For about a month now I've had this strange feeling when I wake up, even if I just take a nap, I wake up feeling that someone close is gonna die, or maybe even me. Everything will pass, so I should remember this day and make something out of it. And I'll lose a lot. And in the glow that afternoon sun rays have, I find eternity. That is also the feeling behind the last poem I uploaded, To be human

I hope there's nothing more to this feeling; it's just very painful and draining to wake up and feel like that. It fills you with a weird combination of gratitude, love and fear. And the reason behind this is probably all the insecurity. For once in my life my future is very, very uncertain. Before I knew how the next year is gonna go. Now I have no idea where I'm gonna be a year from today or tomorrow. And my head fills up with »what if« scenarios. Everyone says »you'll find something«... But what if I don't? I'm grateful that I was given a chance to work as a midwife for a year. And at the same time I'm full of anger and sadness, that I'm forced to give up this career, because there are no jobs out there. Especially when I see how incompetent one can be, but is untouched if he has a permanent contract. Our healthcare system is in crisis (like everywhere else probably), and I thought that we already reached the lowest point, but it seems things will get worse before they'll get better. And if ever... 

It's absurd that Slovenian way out of crisis is to conserve at every corner. Like that's gonna help anyone. More and more people without jobs, with no money, gonna spend less, apply for social help,... instead we should make more jobs, increase the local economy. It makes no sense to export milk to Italy and import it from Hungary. Or export our wood and import it from elsewhere. Or to have so much crude land, when it could be used to produce vegetables and fruits instead we buy carrots from Italy, garlic from China... and so on. There is an Association of unemployed people in the making, whose idea is to take these lands and work them to produce »eco« vegetables and fruits, and also help farmers in the forests. In exchange they would get a little money and goods. But the tax Administration already announced they’ll have to pay 25% taxes from what they will produce, so they won’t be able to sell these goods at social prices, as they wanted. It’s about time to start again and make things better.

David Bryan – It’s a long road

It’s easy to get in somewhat depressive mood thinking about the future. I don’t trust Slovenia anymore. I don’t trust this system. I appreciate those people who have strength and share it with others in times like these. I appreciate any help I receive, though it might be just a talk. I appreciate that people show their real faces, it’s easier to know where you stand. My dreams had changed, my goals will have to be reset. I do have a plan, but I’ve learned that it might not get me where I think it might. And in life, always have a back-up plan. I was thinking of becoming a masseuse, maybe focus on pregnant women, maybe start my own business, make homemade soaps, lotions, herbs...(I'd probably make more money if I went in astrology business or wrote erotic novels, maybe vampires). But as I’ve said the future holds a veil, and as long I have my “best persons” at my side, I’ll be okay. I am quick to regret my past decisions and blame the circumstances that held me away from becoming what I felt was the best path for me, and although I was just six years old, I knew I wanted to be a doctor, a paediatrician. 

The best anti-depressive drug for me is Bon Jovi, I’ve been listening to the new album a lot. Song “Beautiful world” describes my feelings especially well:

"There's glory in the saddest story
Look at it, just sticks and bricks
Makes you wonder how the pieces fit
Where we're going, where we've been
This ain't paradise we're living in
It's a diamond, it's a dirty plastic pearl
Ah, but ain't it a beautiful world"

 "I got your picture on my phone
Your voice in my head
I´m lying here alone
Restless in some faraway bed
The stars will falling down
And I´m half a world away
I´m just trying to close the distance
To feel each breath you take"

I was going through my gallery on dA. It made me wonder where it all went. I remember I had tons of ideas few years ago. And I couldn’t believe the things I’d come up with back then. Now my ideas are more sophisticated ;) Is it always so that when we look back, we laugh at how naive we now seem to have been?