It's been ages since I started this blog. And it has taken me on an adventure. I was totally in a different space back then. I am grateful for all the people I've met through this platform. Makes me grateful for the technology we have. But since I have children I've neglected it, and now when I've been active on Instagram and gotten more followers and more importantly more feedback, a sense of belonging to a poetry community... It has become quite useless to post here. Especially since last few months it seems spammers are at it.
I've published my third poetry book, and I was really proud of it, but now that I've started writing more, I've distanced myself from it. I've been thinking about the fourth one. But I have to answer some questions for myself first. Why do I keep writing? Why is there something in me that needs to write and needs to share it? Why when this road leads to nowhere? It takes time, energy, even money for publishing and buying your own copies, but in the end, it doesn't matter, rarely anyone appreciates that. My self esteem for my poetry is cracked from the very beginning, because I've never received any good feedback from fellow writers in Slovenia. Strangely, I've always had the belief that nobody will understand me in my country. And that seems to be the case, although I wish it were different.
Sometimes I wish I could live from writing alone. I'm at the crossroads and I have one year to figure things out, to find a new job.. and it kills my heart a little, because I will probably leave health care system. Because I'm a midwife. Because I can't find a job closer to home in midwifery. I never thought we are so hard to be employed! And when I look back to my studying years and all I've been through.. it breaks me. I loved it. I saw myself in it. Even though I've ended up working basically just in gynecologist office, I think I've gotten good at it. And it's hard to leave.
Anyway, writing my troubles to nobody.
Off to new adventures, off to pick my pieces back together, off to raising some resilient children.
