Blog: Part of me

I enjoy driving at night. It wakes me up, and the road is somewhat calm so it's easier to follow the stream of thought. I usually feel as if I could handle anything the night would bring, which is the opposite feeling the morning usually gives. And I remember night shifts at the birthing hospital, they were one of the fondest birthing memories. There wasn't so many people, everything was a bit calmer, until urgency called, but still I think I learnt a lot in those nights. It wasn't all that hard once I got used to it, but the walk to the bed in the morning, was the hardest and the longest walk.

Some nights are for driving and last night was one of those. The moon was shining bright behind some shredded clouds, mist was lifting off the land... Nightwish and Bruce Springsteen were playing on the radio, and the tunes swayed me from one memory to the other. And at times I felt so out of myself, as if that »teenager« doesn't exist anymore, I try not to disregard her for being unimportant and somewhat silly. 

»What's God if not the spark that started my life

Smile of a stranger

Sweet music, starry skies

Wonder, mystery wherever my road goes«

- Last ride of the day (Nightwish)

I had an urge to change the road I'm on. To just drive, leave everything behind, start a new adventure. And why do we “approve chains over us”... to quote myself.

»Now all them things that seemed so important

Well mister they vanished right into the air

Now I just act like I don't remember, Mary acts like she don't care

But I remember us riding in my brothers’ car

Her body tan and wet down at the reservoir

At night on them banks I'd lie awake

And pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take

Now those memories come back to haunt me, they haunt me like a curse

Is a dream a lie if it don't come true

Or is it something worse«

- The River (Bruce Springsteen)

Bruce Springsteen in particular was a very big influence on my writing, alongside Ryan Adams and Nightwish. I sometimes joke, if you put these three together you get my poetry. As for poets, I still have to introduce you to someone with whom I share similar writing style. Happened by total coincidence. 

It's been half a year since I had my knee repaired, and I still feel pain sometimes, and the kneecap can feel very unstable. My orthopaedist recommended me to strengthen my core muscles, and I was taken aback, didn't quite understand how could weak core muscles cause knee pain? But here's what I've learned: »The kneecap starts to get pulled around and bullied by the poor core strength and usually associated muscle tightness. We know from research that knee injuries can occur when large hip muscles are weak. ACL tears, which are eight times more likely in women athletes, have been shown to lead to other cartilage tears and to correlate with knee arthritis later in life. When the main butt muscle is weak, it causes the pelvis to drop and the upper thigh bone (femur) to fall inward. This imbalance creates painful downward stress on the hip, knee and ankle every time you take a step. Abdominal weakness will cause your pelvis to tilt forward, creating excessive low-back curvature and shifting the leg bones inward. You can experiment with this yourself: Over-arch your back and notice how your legs and knees want to roll in toward the midline of the body. Then flatten your back and notice how the opposite movement occurs at the legs. Strengthening the core helps to keep your back in a neutral spine position and places the lower extremities — specifically the knees — in the best possible position for movement without joint compression.« (source)

Last weeks have been painful, gastritis-wise, I don't know if there's a part of my abdomen that hasn't yet hurt because of my stomach. I am on a verge of becoming an annoying patient. I'm following all the rules as I should, and still it isn't getting any better. Or rather just when I think it got better, it gets worse. I do miss some foods, and at times I think maybe it won't hurt to try something, but it always does. As for my strange cravings, I'm craving meat like crazy. I guess it's the logical step, since I avoided almost all protein foods, because they didn't make me feel good. Now I'm catching up... one prosciutto with pasta at a time ;)

And then it hit me... I don’t know why it never hit me that way before. This body of mine is capable of caring for a new life, it can develop a whole new person. And what waste it is that it should be this weak because I may get anxious and may have had bad eating habits. That’s not a good enough reason. It can carry a whole new life in a small womb, which gradually grows, ‘til it becomes a shade of what it once was. And it can also feed a new life, it can produce everything specifically for that new person. And the new person I may someday, if ever, bring to life deserves the best start.